#and do the napoleons think of joining together

[isthenapoleoncute]

My favourite thing about napoleons is that sometimes they pick a fight with every country in the world and so then I have to get up at 3 am and grab them from the pound before they are catapulted to a Saint Helena

[hemipenal-system]

A super nerdy elder copper dragon that looks green due to the scale tarnish from age who sets herself up at a library and hoards ttrpg goods and always offers to dm games and a librarian who has talked with them already about how they're scaring away visitors but never actually wants them to leave and almost always wants to join in on the games and has an absolutely massive crush on the dragon that is obvious to everyone except herself and the dragon.

the librarian, a young woman who got promoted to the position and got the dragon with it because no one can actually get her to leave: hey you are scaring library visitors a bit. is what i’ve heard. allegedly.

and this grandmother of a dragon, who raised like 70 hatchlings and hangs out at the library now, is just sitting there and letting young kids climb on her and play with her horns and shit and she hits the librarian with an absolutely incredulous draconic 🤨 because the kids love her and she dms any of like sixty ttrpgs entirely from memory for about a dozen groups of teens and adults. the library is her hoard, technically, and her memory is so good that the branch doesn’t even use a catalog except as a backup because she knows every single book on those shelves and exactly who they lent it to.

this dragon is like 3 times the age of the oldest living human, she’s old even by dragon standards, and student history projects regularly use her as a primary source to the point where they just put her name in the citations. they’ll ask abt something and she just goes “oh yeah, napoleon! i got to meet him!” and they check her with a history book and she’s always right and she just smiles and makes a joke about how her memory is still pretty good for an old girl like her

and the librarian sometimes sits with the dragon and they do a story time for the kids and they do funny voices together and the kids joke abt them getting married and they share a cute glance but don’t think anything of it, and every adult is looking at each other like “do you think they know”

every adult in town ends up trying to set them up. they do eventually get it but it takes them like a decade

in conclusion i love them

[saintvainglorious]

TEMERAIRE FIC RECS

I read no fic at all in May, as I was too busy devouring all nine Temeraire novels in a single month - and then spent a very happy June reading a fairly absurd amount of Temeraire fics. In honor of a Pride month well spent, here's a fic rec list!

(Divided up into categories - Laurence/Tharkay, Laurence/Napoleon, other ships, and gen)

WILLIAM LAURENCE/TENZING THARKAY

ley lines by malfaisant/@stanleyraymondkowalski (T, 14k, 2015) Amnesia era!Laurence sees Tharkay and it doesn't cure his amnesia; a renewed friendship tinged with loss follows

Tharkay makes it to Peking intact with the news of Napoleon’s imminent invasion of Russia. Which would be all well and good, except that Laurence isn’t very intact himself.

which is like everything by sere (This_is_Sere) (G, 3k, 2024) Post-canon Laurence accidentally breaks Tharkay's heart a little, and put it back together in the sweetest way possible

A chance remark from Granby provokes an excess of feeling in Tharkay.

The Reward of Service by yunitsa/@pamphilia (T, 4k, 2016) A lovely post-canon get-together fic, where Granby puts his foot in it a little and realizations are had

‘It is no good asking me,’ Laurence said at last, pushing the pattern-book away over breakfast, ‘I am not the one–’ Not the one who would be living with the result, he had been about to say. But they had hardly accepted Tharkay’s invitation as casual houseguests.

A Soft Dawn by corvile (G, 2k, 2015) A soft and sweet Tongues of Serpents-era fic, featuring accidental spooning, self-introspection, and maybe the most romantic hand-holding known to man

Upon thinking on this feeling of jealousy, Tharkay has done some rather clever intuitive leaps involving situations both real and imagined, and he's come to a rather curious conclusion: he's a little in love with William Laurence.

all flowers in time by lastwingedthing (E, 7k, 2017) A splendid post-canon get-together where it's Laurence who pines after an oblivious Tharkay, rather than the other way around. Also, sex!

The consolations of possession.

Ship's Gossip by Spatz/@cactusspatz (M, 6k, 2019) AU where Laurence takes up Tharkay's offer to become a privateer and Tharkay joins Laurence on the ship; Laurence learns some things about Tharkay, and then about himself

Laurence is beginning to enjoy life as a privateer - though he cannot figure out why Tharkay should still be sailing out with them - when Temeraire decides to ask him about sodomy.

WILLIAM LAURENCE/NAPOLEON BONAPARTE

Dearest William by WerewolvesAreReal/@werewolves-are-real (T, 23k, 2016) Laurence and Napoleon are pen pals! Riotously funny, until it's heartbreaking

Napoleon sends a letter to the upstart sea-captain who stole his dragon, Laurence sends one back, and a correspondence begins under the uneasy eye of the admiralty. When Laurence had admitted the matter to Granby his lieutenant exclaimed, “God, does Boney want you drawn and quartered as a traitor?” which seems perfectly possible.

i sing of arms and the man by Jack_R (M, 21k, 2020) Ancient Rome AU (and really good dragon-related worldbuilding)! Laurence longs for the days of the Roman Republic, but Rome's new emperor is rather adept at persuasion

‘You think me a far worthier man than I am,’ he says, then. ‘No,’ Napoleone says, softly, ‘I don’t think I do at all.’

L'envoyé céleste triomphant de la Maladie. Antoine-Jean Gros (1813) by VerdetCadet/@verdet-cadet (G, 3k, 2023) A League of Dragons captured-by-Napoleon fic involving a rather appalling painting and Tharkay and Granby being the world's funniest wingmen (ha)

"Given what he has done with the barest civility on my part, I cannot think what he would do with the least encouragement." “Oh, no?” said Granby innocently, a sentiment that provoked a raised eyebrow from Tharkay over his glass, and in Laurence, a strangeness in the pit of his stomach. Or: Napoleon is an enthusiastic patron of the arts. Laurence's best friends lovingly suss out his willingness to bone Napoleon for political gain and strategic expediency.

Ordinance of Fate by by WerewolvesAreReal/@werewolves-are-real (T, 13k (WIP), 2022) *slamming hand on table rythmically* soulmate AU soulmate AU soulmate AU soulmate AU

The name comes when he is 15, and Laurence hides it immediately. Then at the age of 22 Laurence reads a letter from an old shipmate who writes that “the troops in Italy were routed by some new General of theirs, Napoleon Bonaparte-"

Doctrine on Worship by Kangoo/@youngster-monster (G, 6k, 2021) AU where Laurence becomes a priest instead of joining the Navy, and meets Temeraire anyway - but Temeraire's captain takes an interest in his dragon's new friend

“You do not strike me as a man well versed in selfishness. Perhaps you ought to try it; you might find it easier to understand my presence then." In which Laurence made a different choice, a long time ago, which changes very little in the long run.

OTHER SHIPS

Tender Like a Bruise by VerdetCadet/@verdet-cadet (T, 5k, 2024) Granby/Little - Granby struggles with the shame and trauma of losing his arm; Augustine Little is there for him

It is not a good time to be short an arm, if there ever was such a thing. Granby has always prided himself on his competence and his easy good cheer. Now, at a stroke, he finds himself lacking in both.

revelry by WerewolvesAreReal/@werewolves-are-real (E, 2k, 2018) Tharkay/Laurence/Granby/Little - Post-canon Tharkay & Laurence invite Granby & Little over to visit, delightful and unabashedly voyueristic sexytimes ensue

Little suddenly turns away and throws himself down on the couch where Laurence previously sat, drunkenness making him stumble a little. He leans heavily against Tharkay, who doesn't mind, and tosses Granby a jaunty salute. “Now you must kiss him, John. I know how long you have wanted to; you will always regret it if you do not."

What comfort I can by VerdetCadet/@verdet-cadet (M, 5k, 2023) Laurence/Granby - Amnesiac!Laurence has suspicions about the nature of his relationship with Granby. Second in a two-part series, part one is also splendid! I just have a fatal weakness for the amnesia era ok

The truth of Laurence's treason comes out while Laurence is still aboard the Potentate. Laurence's half formed memories are just there enough for dangerous conjecture. Granby is there to offer what comfort he can.

That Dare Not Speak Its Name by WerewolvesAreReal/@werewolves-are-real (E, 11k (WIP), 2024) Laurence/Granby - Laurence covers for Little and Granby and discoveries are made. The dialogue and introspection are so very delicious I'm SO INVESTED AUGH

After an incriminating letter is discovered, Granby is caught out as an invert – and everyone knows his lover is another captain. Since the companion of a common Yellow Reaper would not be spared the noose, Laurence declares that it's him. Over time, he starts to wish it really were.

Uncharted by novembersmith/@novembersmith (E, 5k, 2009) Laurence/Granby/Tharkay - Laurence and Granby are together and Tharkay is mortified, until he's given quite good reason not to be

Tharkay had had the dubious pleasure of watching Laurence and Granby being blissfully in love for several weeks now.

Foibles by VerdetCadet/@verdet-cadet (M, 3k, 2023) Laurence/Tharkay and Laurence/Napoleon, sort of - Tharkay likes roleplaying and Laurence is not displeased by the role Tharkay takes on this time

Tharkay, faced with an inconvenience he was forced to endure or a problem his mind could not set aside, found his ease by simply Not Being Tharkay for a time.

An Alchemy of Character by PepperHoney (G, 7k, 2023) Tharkay/Granby - Tharkay and Granby compete for Laurence's affections, until they find a more fulfilling use of their time

Granby and Tharkay have been watching each other court Laurence to no avail for years now. It's something of a game between them, truly, one whose success they don't really believe in anymore. It takes a long journey aboard the Allegiance for them to realise--perhaps, if Laurence can't be reached, someone else can.

GEN

Smooth Water All Our Days by 20thcenturyvole (T, 37k, 2021) Technically Laurence/Tharkay (and they're lovely here) but much more gen-focused. Post-canon, Laurence, with his family's help, gets Temeraire's political career off the ground; meanwhile, Tharkay investigates a conspiracy. Also, parties!

Laurence desires nothing more than to retire to Tharkay's estate and help Temeraire get to Parliament, for what more could he want than a place in Britain with space enough for a dragon, and the company of a dear friend? But wars rarely end so neatly. Bellicose lords, Bourbon princes, errant heirs and shadowy forces threaten to undermine the very peace that Laurence and Temeraire fought to obtain, and ruin the happiness that Laurence was just beginning to glimpse.

remember (you deserve this) by WerewolvesAreReal/@werewolves-are-real (T, 10k, 2018) Laurence finds a different way to punish himself for the treason. Superb angst (mind the tags), and the last line of this fic d e s t r o y e d me

Laurence is pardoned for Temeraire's sake, but he manages to punish himself anyway.

Animal Husbandry by WerewolvesAreReal/@werewolves-are-real (G, 11k, 2017) Laurence is told that Temeraire accepted Dayes as his captain, but Laurence cannot forget the dragon he's lost.

Weeks after finding a dragon egg in the Amitie’s hold William Laurence reluctantly turns away and lets the Corps take Temeraire - but he doesn’t return to the Navy. He’s not an aviator, but somehow Laurence still ends up going down in history as the instigator behind the Great Dragon Rebellion of ‘06.

Captains by StrangerWithMyFace/@agentem (G, 2k, 2010) Perscitia (my beloved!!!) has a rough day; Wellington, in his roundabout way, is there to cheer her up. I am weak for Perscitia and Wellington bonding weak i say

Perscitia encounters two men at the London covert, and one of them is her captain.

Forays Into Human Sexuality (or whatever Laurence is doing) by WerewolvesAreReal/@werewolves-are-real (G, 1k, 2024) Laurence finds out that no, actually, not every man is secretly a repressed bisexual

Laurence says, “It is wholly natural, anyway, with no women around.”

[ailendolin]

Since the announcement that two or three new versions of Ghosts are in the works, I've been thinking about what sort of ghosts we might get to see / I'd like to see in a German adaptation and put together a list of my ideas. You will see some similarities with our beloved original ghosts as well as completely new characters, and I did my best to find a balance between male and female characters and include a variety of historical eras.

This is obviously just a very basic list with some notes but I do have thoughts about these characters (how they died, what powers they might have, their inner conflict etc.) so if you'd like to know more, please ask (also German producers, I hereby officially volunteer as tribute writer)!

German Ghosts

Female Neanderthal (40,000 BC)

Neanderthals were named after the German Neander valley so I think it's only fair to include a Neanderthal in the show. Since no one needs a Robin 2.0, I'd make the character female and give her a dog because ghost animals are fun and we need more of them.

Roman & German (9 AD)

Two guys - let's call them Marcus and Alber - who fought on opposite sides died in the Battle of the Teutoburg Forest, became ghosts and eventually best friends. They'd rather die again than admit that to anyone, though.

Bog Girl (600 AD)

A little girl who haunts the marshlands around the house but not the property itself. Most of the ghosts avoid her until the Naturalist gets curious and starts to befriend her.

Plague Ghosts (Mid-1600s)

A group of victims of the 30 Years' War whose deaths were caused by famine and disease and not the war directly (though they insist they died 'in the war').

Naturalist (Late 1700s)

A scientist like Alexander von Humboldt and Charles Darwin who embraces becoming a ghost from the get go and does various experiments (on himself and the others) to figure out how ghost rules work and what is and isn't possible.

Composer (Early 1800s)

A young composer who has a (perceived) rivalry with Beethoven because he's lost part of his hearing. Think German equivalent of Thomas Thorne.

Female Soldier (Early 1800s)

Based on stories like that of Friederike Krüger, this woman posed as a man and joined the army during the Napoleonic Wars.

Woman in White (Late 1800s)

The lady of the house at the time. After she died in childbirth, she was forced to watch her husband's mistress raise her daughter. She died wearing her white nightgown (something she is quite embarrassed about) and can be seen in pictures.

WW1 Surgeon (1930s)

Another former owner of the house, this man was a surgeon in WW1 and still carries the trauma of that time with him (think Siegfried from All Creatures Great and Small).

Luftwaffe Pilot (1940s)

Remember the two German pilots from BBC Ghosts? This guy was their friend and has always wondered what happened to them. He crash-landed on the grounds during a training exercise.

Estate Agent (early 2020s)

A woman who took over the house after the last owner passed away. While assessing the property, she had a heart attack and died there, leading to rumours about the house being cursed and haunted increasing.

The House

While the house will probably be a manor house like in the original series, I think it would be fun if this version of the show shook things up a little and had the German Coopers inherit an old mill, or perhaps even an actual (small) castle.

[cirilla-fiona-riannon]

Birthday Event: Francis Drake

Translations may not always capture the exact nuances or tone of the original text. Expect grammatical errors and inaccuracies.

Not proofread. Rush translation.

(Drake's POV)

I took Mitsuki's hand and stepped onto the dance floor.

The band began to play the next song, and we moved to the rhythm.

(Is my little fawn distracted?)

Is she concerned about Napoleon and Comte's conversation?

Mitsuki: "Hey, Drake. About what you wanted for your birthday..."

Mitsuki: "Is it me, all dressed up nicely like this?"

(She figured it out that far, huh?)

Drake: "Hmm, you're kind of right."

Mitsuki: "Kind of? What do you—whoa!"

I lifted her delicate body and twirled her around.

Drake: "The answer will have to wait. For now, how about we enjoy this dance, little fawn?"

I was keeping the secret, but I wanted her to get lost in this moment.

(And smile for me.)

Mitsuki: "Yeah, you're right. Let's enjoy it to the fullest!"

She regained her composure and looked at me with sparkling eyes.

As I found myself drawn into those beautiful eyes—

Mitsuki: "Hehe. I'm so happy."

Drake: "----!"

(Mitsuki has smiled so many times today, but...)

Drake: "That smile right now is perfect!"

Her carefree, natural smile made me laugh from the bottom of my heart.

After finishing our dance, we returned to Napoleon and Comte.

Mitsuki: "Wait, Drake! I still haven't given you your birthday present!"

Drake: "I already got it while we were dancing."

Mitsuki: "What?!"

(That confused look on her face is so cute.)

Feeling satisfied, I decided to reveal everything.

Drake: "What I wanted was something only you could give me. And it’s something I wanted to earn for myself."

Mitsuki: "What is it?"

Drake: "Your brightest, most beautiful smile."

Drake: "I purposely kept it a secret and asked you to spend the whole day with me because I wanted no one else but me to make you happy and bring out your best smile."

Drake: "Well, the pudding was a bit of a flop, and you just seemed surprised by the dress."

I'm not used to making sweets, and parties aren't really my thing, but...

(If it meant Mitsuki would be even a little happy, I didn't care about being out of character.)

(If I were being honest, I'd prefer to just whisk her away.)

Mitsuki: "Honestly, it feels like you're always spoiling me."

Mitsuki: "But how did Napoleon and Comte know about this?"

Drake: "Oh, that's because..."

------------Flashback-----------

Drake: "So, that's how it went. I'll be taking care of Mitsuki."

After promising Mitsuki that we'd spend my birthday together, I went to inform the head of the mansion.

I found Comte leisurely reading a book in the garden.

Comte: "Yeah, Mitsuki mentioned it to me as well."

Comte: "But you've become quite the polite pirate, coming all the way here just to ask for permission."

Drake: "I'm just showing my respect, that's all."

Napoleon: "Not a bad mindset, don't you think?"

Napoleon joined in on the conversation.

Napoleon: "You've hurt Mitsuki in the past, so it's good you're being careful."

Drake: "Yeah, yeah, I haven't forgotten about it."

After hitting me where it hurts, Napoleon changed the topic.

Napoleon: "Speaking of Mitsuki, she was all fired up about finding out what you wanted for your birthday."

Drake: "Yeah, I kept it a secret and told her to try guessing."

Napoleon: "A secret, huh?"

Napoleon: "But isn't there really only one thing you want?"

Comte: "Your lover, right?"

Maybe it's because we're all men, but they easily saw right through my secret.

Drake: "Spot on. But that's not all."

Drake: "What I really want is Mitsuki's happiest smile."

Drake: "That's why, for my birthday, I'm going to spend the whole day making her as happy as possible."

(Like taking her out for good food or showing her beautiful scenery. I bet Mitsuki would love that.)

Just imagining it filled me with excitement, making me smile.

But Napoleon and Comte exchanged glances and grins mischievously.

Comte: "Do you think it will go that smoothly?"

Drake: "Huh?"

Comte: "Making a woman genuinely happy isn't exactly easy."

Comte: "Although we've seen her smile ourselves."

Napoleon: "We've shared many experiences with her since living together."

Comte: "Not long ago, she smiled when I gave her a dress."

Drake: "Wait, a dress?"

Napoleon: "It'll be interesting to see if you can surpass the smiles she's shown us."

(I can tell they're enjoying this.)

Their tone was clearly teasing, but beneath their sharp gazes

(There's a hint of seriousness there.)

Drake: "Are you provoking me because I stole your princess?"

Comte: "It’s only natural to assess the worth of the man who has taken someone we care about."

Comte: "As Napoleon mentioned, you've made mistakes before."

(Worth, huh?)

I'm not one to get overly defensive, but having them hold some kind of upper hand over me when it comes to Mitsuki doesn't sit well.

So...

(Fine, I'll take you up on that challenge.)

Drake: "I declare it now. I'll be the one to bring out Mitsuki's brightest smile."

Drake: "And as for that favorite dress of hers, I'll outshine it myself."

Napoleon: "Heh, this just got interesting."

Comte: "There's a social party coming up on September 7."

Comte: "I'll arrange the invitations, so you should attend with her. Let's see how you will do."

Drake: "Thanks. You can count on it."

Comte: "I'm looking forward to seeing Mitsuki's best smile."

After that, I tried making pudding and secretly took her measurements to order a custom dress.

I did unusual things for her, all for the sake of making her happy.

(I feel like I'm being played, but I can't back down when it comes to the woman I love.)

---------Flashback Ends--------

Drake: "It wouldn't make sense if you found out. Sorry for keeping it all secret."

Mitsuki: "No, it's fine because..."

Drake: "Fawn?"

Mitsuki: "Pffft, ahaha!"

She burst into laughter, clearly amused by something.

Mitsuki: "Sorry, I think you just replaced the best smile I've ever had."

Mitsuki: "I mean you really competed with everyone in the mansion?"

Well, to be honest, I was jealous.

Drake: "Yeah, I guess so. Kinda lame, huh?"

Mitsuki: "Not at all."

Mitsuki: "It just made me realize how much you care about me. That's why I'm incredibly happy right now!"

Drake: "----!"

The smile Mitsuki showed during the dance was the best I'd ever seen.

But just moments ago, and even now, it keeps getting even better.

(It's nice to do something that makes her happy, but I never thought it was this simple.)

The source of her smile was my feelings for her.

Drake: "Geez, you really have the best smile."

Drake: "If even my less-than-cool moments make you happy, I'm totally fine with it."

(I'm kinda embarrassed by how childish and immature I get because of love.)

(Feeling this way and making her happy is the best thing ever.)

Mitsuki: "I think I'll be able to keep making the best smiles thanks to you, Drake."

Mitsuki: "I'll be happy if my smile makes you happy too."

Mitsuki: "Will you accept my birthday present?"

She smiled as if offering her whole heart.

I gently took her delicate hand.

Drake: "Yes, Your Majesty. My happiness is with you."

I'm sure right now, my smile is the best it can be.

After that, the clock hands passed midnight.

Drake: "Mitsuki."

I brought Mitsuki back to the mansion, but it seems there's no one else around tonight.

Unable to ignore her inviting gaze, I led her into my old room.

Mitsuki: "Mnn... Ah... Francis..."

As I sat her on my lap on the bed and kissed her, her sweet, expectant moans escaped between our entwined tongues, gradually eroding my self-control.

Drake: "Even though I had plenty of you yesterday, I still want you."

Mitsuki: "I feel the same."

(She's making that kind of face.)

She blushed and looked away, probably aware she was being bold right now.

I looked up at her as I slid the dress off her shoulders and placed my chin on her breasts, pushed up by the corset.

Drake: "I love your smile, but I also love the embarrassed look you make when we're doing things like this."

Mitsuki: "….…"

As our gazes locked, Mitsuki took a sharp breath.

(Tonight, I'll pleasure you in my own way.)

Part 1 ╎ Part 2 ╎ Premium ╎ Epilogue

[thefisherqueen]

I was reminded that even though we now have read all the short Sherlock Holmes stories with Letters from Watson, I had not watched all of the Granada's episodes yet. So I watched The six napoleons yesterday and, boy, I can't think of anything else

Why did this start with that young lady in the window in just her shift washing herself?? I felt like I was watching a Victorian porn scene in full colour. Iconic

So much Italian screaming and fighting, loved all the chaos

*Watson launching into a speech acting all professonal and knowledgable* "Watson It Won't Do!!" so dramatic

"Ah, the lamp, of course!" *Watson and Lestrade look at each other* we have figured out Nothing

The way Jeremy Brett acted when they went to look at the corpse. "Oh sorry, I was just distracted thinking about the mystery even I cannot solve: death itself" * proceeds to examine the corpse in the weirdest way possible*

All of the side characters were just so hilariously portrayed. Lestrade acting all cocky and convinced of his own theory. The scattery journalist who just wants to write his stories and is so Done with being a character in them. The masonry buisness man with the outragous German accent. The shop owner with this consiracy fears

Watson and Holmes exchanging glances in the background all the time: can you believe this shit?? And scheming together to get their hands on confidential information without even needing words

The slumber party in Baker Street with Holmes just throwing papers everywhere

"There's nothing to loose in joining me!" "Except a good night's sleep" Edward Hardwicke's delivery of this line was gold

The interaction between Watson and Lestrade and Holmes while they were waiting in the garden shed are so amusing, especially "Watson this is not the time for humbugs!"

Beppo literally moving like a monkey was so uncessesary

Holmes' unhinged diving to knock the murderer to the ground even with the police being literally there. So similar to the Sidney Paget drawing

Jeremy Brett's acting when Lestrade told him that Scotland Yard was proud of him. Literal tears. Oh my heart

Lestrade being worked out of the door at the end because Holmes cleary just wanted Alone Time with Watson

[twrambling]

do you take requests? (if not feel free to ignore!🙈) how about poland and haiti? they apparently have history together! feel free to see it as romantic❤️ or platonic✨ (if I am not wrong, I think a few haitians today actually have polish ancestry🧐)

Thank you for the request this was super fun to draw!!! :DD and it also taught me something new so thank you for sharing ❤️ ^^

Historical context (copy and pasted from Wikipedia):

"[...] descendants of surviving members of Napoleon's Polish Legionnaires which were forced into combat by Napoleon but later joined the Haitian slaves during the Haitian Revolution. Some 400 to 500 of these Poles are believed to have settled in Haiti after the war. They were given special status as Noir (legally considered to be black, not white despite actual race) and full citizenship under the Haitian constitution by Jean-Jacques Dessalines, the first ruler of an independent Haiti [...]"

The link to the wiki article:

Slightly less anti french version

[basementdoll]

Spanish Inquisition

Wednesday 13

What does this part-time Murderdoll, chicken lovin’, eyebrow shavin’, horror movie watchin’ dread head have to say for himself when Cardinal Doran asks him your questions and applies the thumbscrews? Read on and find out. Noose of the world: Brother Naki.

Weds: “Right, you must be here to ask me lots of offensive questions?”

Hammer: Usually when we do this we only get questions about how gay are you or how much dick do you love to suck, but this time we’ve only got questions about chickens.

Weds: “Cool! Questions from real fans!”

READ THAT YOU HAD A PET CHICKEN, OMAR. DID YOU JUST GET SICK OF LOOKING AFTER HIM AND EAT HIM?

Pear Black, Via Email

Weds: “No. Unfortunately, not being farmers or anything and not knowing how to take care of chickens, he died. We had a little chicken coop at the side of our guitar amps and our drums. It was the summer, we’d go to practice and leave him and he died of heat exhaustion. So I chopped off his legs and made a little memorial for him by hanging them off my guitar but they got ripped off during one gig. Peace Omar.” [Thumps heart emotively.]

Hammer: What benefits are there to having a chicken instead of a normal pet like a cat?

Weds: “None. The reason I got the chicken was cos when I was a kid people always told me that people like Ozzy Osbourne and Alice Cooper used to bite the heads off chickens live on stage and drink their blood. So for me, I’ve always associated chickens with rock’n’ roll. I never wanted to kill the chicken, I just always wanted it to be there. I'd recommend your readers get a cat instead.”

Hammer: But chickens are good for voodoo rituals as well.

Weds: “And for feathers…”

Hammer: Say if you were going to cook a chicken, what recipe would you use?

Weds: “I’m a big fan of Cajun chicken. I bake chicken pretty much every day of my life, except when I’m on tour because you don’t have access to a stove. You put the chicken in the oven and sprinkle it with salt, pepper and spices and cook it until it isn’t pink in the middle - unless you want to get sick.”

WITH ERIK JOINING NAPOLEON BLOWNAPART, BEN IN NOCTURNE, ACEY IN TRASH LIGHT VISION AND JOEY IN SLIPKNOT, IS THERE ANY HOPE FOR THE MURDERDOLLS GETTING BACK TOGETHER?

Decaying Wench, Hell, Third Door On The Left

Weds: “Well, yeah. There’s always hope. Everybody’s doing their own thing. Joey went back to Slipknot and I started doing this so everybody had to find something to do. I can only speak for myself, because I don’t know what the other guys are doing, but I’m putting 100 per cent into this and it is my number one priority, I’m going to tour this record for as long as I want to. But when the time comes right, everybody feels like doing another Murderdolls record and everybody is on the same page, then yeah, I’ll do it. But there’s no way it’ll happen next year.”

Hammer: How has the material off ‘Transylvania 90210’ been going down?

Weds: “Amazing. I was expecting to get raked across the coals but the kids have been digging it and the reviews from the journalists have been really good as well. People are telling me that it’s much more diverse than the Murderdolls; a lot more like a rollercoaster ride and it’s got many different levels to it.”

HEY TUESDAY, DON’T YOU THINK THAT THE MURDERDOLLS SOUNDS LIKE A REALLY BAD GOFF PORN WEBSITE?

Dan, Chiswick

Weds: “I don’t go to goth porn websites and I don’t think it sounds anything like one. Frankenstein Drag Queen sounds more like a goth porn website.”

Hammer: What are your views on pornography?

Weds: “It happens. I don’t find myself ringing lines or going on websites but if that’s what people do and it makes them happy then more power to them. You won’t be finding me turning up in any porn films by the way. Unlike Fred Durst.”

Hammer: He didn’t come out of that looking well.

Weds: “Fred Durst doesn’t come out of anything looking well.”

SAW YOUR TATTOOS IN METAL HAMMER AND WANTED TO KNOW THE TATTOOIST’S NAME?

Chris, South Africa

Weds: “There was this old guy that I used to go to in my home town of Charlotte, North Carolina but the guy pissed me off and I don’t go to him any more. My new guy is called Mark Evans, who did my stitches which are healing up and he did the new Michael Myers tattoo. I don’t promote my old guy because he was a douchebag.”

Hammer: Did you weep like a six year old girl watching ET when you got them done?

Weds: “No. As I was getting them done I was watching Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure so I was laughing. They hurt though. The ones on the wrists, I think I would have been better just chopping my hands off and sewing them back on: it would have hurt less. It was pretty painful.”

AS THE FUTURE PRESIDENT OF KFC, WHICH DO YOU PREFER: POPCORN CHICKEN OR A FAMILY BUCKET?

Cyhiraeth 13, Via Email

Weds: “Family bucket. Popcorn chicken is different here. In America it is actually just what is left over from the other chicken in the bottom of the tray dumped into a bucket. But also the way you guys cut chicken here is totally different. It baffles me, I don’t know what I’m eating. In America you have a leg, a breast, a thigh and a wing. Over here you have a throat, an ass, an elbow…”

Hammer: We don’t have chicken’s elbows.”

Weds: “What the hell am I eating here? It’s all fucking mixed up, I think I had a throat today!”

Hammer: Just say you developed a food intolerance to chicken what would you do then?

Weds: “I’d eat turkey. I’d just move from one bird to another. And turkey’s better for you.”

Hammer: You should try ostrich. Terminator X, the old DJ from Public Enemy, is now an ostrich farmer in the USA, that’s why he doesn’t go on tour with them because someone’s got to stay home and look after the ostriches.

Weds: “I can’t say that I’ve seen a Kentucky Fried Ostrich restaurant yet but when I do I’ll stop by. I fancy a KFO.”

RECENTLY MY MUMMY BROUGHT HOME A BABY CHICK. AS YOU USED TO HAVE A PET CHICKEN, CAN YOU GIVE ME A FEW TIPS ON HOW TO MAKE IT BE QUIET? ITS TWEETING IS DRIVING ME INSANE.

Eddie, London

Weds: “There’s no way to keep them quiet. Keep them out of the heat. Don’t feed them after midnight. They will actually eat anything you put in front of them. They’ll eat chicken, so give your chicken some KFC and watch it become a cannibal.”

IF YOU COULD REMAKE A HORROR MOVIE AND STAR IN IT, WHAT WOULD IT BE AND WHICH CHARACTER WOULD YOU TAKE?

Charlotte Humphreys, Andover

Weds: “Probably The Abominable Dr Phibes and I would be Dr Phibes because he was the master of revenge and it is my favourite Vincent Price movie. He didn’t really even have to talk to be frightening.”

HEY WEDNESDAY, I WAS WONDERING IF YOU MANAGED TO EAT ONE MILLION PIECES OF FRIED CHICKEN IN 2004 LIKE YOU PREDICTED YOU WOULD?

Storm McCracken, Paraparaumu, New Zealand

Weds: “There’s a good possibility, yeah. I lost count along the way but probably. Not this year though because I turned over a new leaf and now I only eat grilled chicken. I’ve been trying to make sure that I don’t have a heart attack before I’m 30.”

Hammer: Speaking as a bit of a tubby bastard, I was wondering how you stay so slim on such a chicken rich diet?

Weds: “It is basically not eating fried chicken. I went on a diet and I lost 40lbs which shows you how bad it can be.”

COULD A REGULAR PERSON KILL A SHEEP WITH JUST ONE PUNCH TO ITS FACE? I DON’T THINK SO.

Ken B Wild, The Fields 

Weds: “Hmmm. It depends on the person. Me? No. I can’t punch a sheep to death but say you’re Tor Johnson from the Ed Wood films, the big guy, he could probably hit a sheep once and break its spine.”

Hammer: I reckon The Thing from The Fantastic Four could waste a sheep.

Weds: “Well, Tor Johnson is probably the closest a human has ever got to being The Thing.

Hammer: What is the biggest creature that you’ve ever killed? Purposefully, that is. Not just forgetting that you’ve left a chicken in a hot room.

Weds: Probably a grasshopper. I don’t hurt animals. When I was a kid I used to do mean stuff but I don’t now. I go out of my way not to hurt stuff.”

DO YOU STILL BELIEVE IN THE EASTER BUNNY?

Goldfinger Rule 502, Via Email

Weds: “Hell yeah! He just came to my house a couple of months ago. He brought my kid a box of candy and $20.”

Hammer: What are your favorite kinds of sweets?

Weds: “I love peanut M&MS. Those things are addictive. I will eat about 10 bags a day if I don’t watch it.”

DEAR WEDNESDAY 13, ARE THINGS STILL TENSE BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR RIVAL THURSDAY 14?

Antibody, Via Email

Weds: “Yeah, we’re still going head to head. One day we’ll meet and slug it out but I will win.”

Hammer: It’s Wednesday the 13th soon, do you do anything out of the ordinary on those days?

Weds: “Not normally but this year we are doing the London show so that should be really remarkable.”

DOES YOUR MOTHER FEEL ASHAMED THAT HER GROWN UP SON FEELS THE NEED TO DRESS LIKE A SPAZZ AND WEAR BAD MAKE-UP?

Eyen, Poshland

Weds: “My mom’s pretty proud of me. She goes out and buys all of the magazines and everything else. She is totally supportive of me and is into what we’re doing.”

WHO WOULD WIN IN A FIGHT BETWEEN A GRIZZLY BEAR AND A SIBERIAN TIGER?

Bobby G, Via Email

Weds: “A grizzly man! You can’t fight a bear! I’ve seen a bear- you can’t fight them.”

Hammer: You saw a bear?

Weds: “On TV. In a zoo. You can’t fight them.”

Hammer: My Chemical Romance got attacked by a moose once. What is the biggest animal you’ve ever been attacked by?

Weds: “I got attacked by a Doberman when I was eight years old. And they can kill you. The dog had cancer and it had this giant tumour on its side and they were going to put it to sleep in a few weeks. But it came up to me while I was on my trampoline and put its legs up and started growling. I was like, ‘Oh shit, what do I do?’ So I decided to try and run down the hill to get home and the dog jumped at me, knocked me down and I ate grass. It never bit me but it stayed right on my ass growling and I just cried all the way home. Which is OK if you’re eight: a Doberman could bite your arm off!”

Hammer: If you say so. Are you nervous about dogs now?

Weds: “I’m not a big dog fan. I like cats and small dogs but big dogs give me the old phobia.”

ISN’T WEDNESDAY A GIRL’S NAME, LIKE THAT BINT OUT OF THE ADDAMS FAMILY? SHOULDN’T YOU BY RIGHTS BE CALLED PUGSLEY 13?

Mr D Monkey, No Fixed Abode

Weds: “Well you know, I don’t have to buy the rights to be named after the day of the week and yeah, I was totally inspired by the character out of The Addams Family, I’ve always admitted that and never tried to hide it. She was always much cooler than Pugsley because he was a little fat guy.”

WHY DON’T YOU HAVE A JASON VOORHEES TATTOO?

War Machine, Via Email

Weds: “It’s in the process. I’m getting Voorhees and Freddie very soon. So gimme some time dude!”

WEDNESDAY, WHY DO YOU SHAVE YOUR EYEBROWS OFF? IT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A PLOPHEAD.

He Man, Reading

Weds: “A plophead? A guy with a plop on his head? What is that? If you mean shit head, say shit head. You know, I shave my eyebrows off for one simple reason: my hair is blond. When my eyebrows grow out they are blond, it just doesn’t look good. I don’t have cool eyebrows, so I shave them off. You can hardly see them anyway. I do notice not having them because of the sweat. If you ever see me on stage squinting like this [scrunches up face as if in agony] that means my eyes are burning out of my fucking head.”

[fang-and-feather]

Ikemen Vampire - Jean x Napoleon x Sebastian x Reader x Arthur

Relationship Chart

Wrods: 1174

Summary: The pranks problem sorted out, you and Napoleon join your boyfriends for the start of his actual birthday celebration

The ending of Napoleon's Pranks and Gifts birthday Celebration Series.

Also written for July's 2023 Polyam Shipping Day Prompt: Food from @polyamships

Previous Part / IkeVamp Masterlist / General Masterlist / AO3 Link

“Well, that was a good meal, ma chérie.” Napoleon kissed you as you left his room, laughing as you blushed. “Thank you.”

He stroked the spot where he had bitten you. To think he’d been quite apprehensive for a long time after the first time he bit you, afraid of the predatory monster he could become after he started.

But you had always been reassuring. You didn’t believe the monster existed.

And, it was a little hard to admit, but that first night you let Arthur join you had helped his confidence too. Having other vampire partners who weren’t afraid of their instincts helped.

And thankfully, all of you did. Now Napoleon found such an intimacy in the act. The trust you showed by letting him feed off your life essence. Holding you close as he did so. Being able to get sustenance from the person he loved, even if for only a moment. And the sweet pleasure it was for both of you.

“Does that mean you don’t need the food we made?”

“You know I wouldn’t waste your hard work, mon coeur. Or miss sharing food with the people I love. Besides, I see nothing I would rather do on my birthday.”

Napoleon offered you a hand, and you took it with a smile. He pulled you closer.

“No more tricks?”

“Don’t worry. That was just my way of surprising you.”

He kissed the back of your hand.

“Good. Just hope you don’t try that next year again.”

Both of you laughed as you left for the garden.

The boys had set up a small table there, and it was full of food. Each of them had a little of their favorites, but they also had a few types of crepes, as well as a beautifully decorated cake. They had really gone all out for breakfast.

Well, probably you and Akihiko. He had no idea what kind of skills Arthur had, but Jean was technically banned from the kitchen.

“Took you long enough.” Arthur said with a grin as soon as the two of you walked closer.

“Jealous you weren’t invited?” You teased back.

“At another time I would, luv. But I am aware me and old ‘Leon here are not that close. Although I would love to rectify this whenever you’re ready.”

Napoleon shook his head. He never knew when Arthur was actually flirting with him or just teasing.

“I still don’t understand why you are here if the two of you are not together.” Jean looked at Napoleon as if asking for an answer.

“I guess we are close enough.”

Their relationship might be undefined, but they had one.

Jean nodded, but not without casting a disapproving glance to Arthur, obviously having more to complain about, but choosing to keep quiet out of respect for Napoleon.

It didn’t pass unnoticed by Arthur.

“No need to be jealous either, Jeannie. You’re always welcome to join us.” Arthur winked at him. “It’s not like you’re a stranger to this kind of pleasure between four people, are you? Or even sharing two lovers, you and Sebas didn’t…”

“Master Arthur,” Akihiko interrupted him, surprisingly calm for the suspicious moment he chose for it, “I would refrain from aggravating Monsieur Jean any further.”

“I suppose you’re right.” Arthur’s answer was surprising. “I would rather drink my coffee in peace.”

Napoleon couldn’t help but laugh at the way Arthur frowned and pulled his chair a little further away from Jean. Probably he was still a little traumatized from that one time Jean swapped his coffee.

By his side, you laughed too, and Napoleon caught the look you exchanged with Akihiko before that.

The two of you had your secret. Arthur and Jean might never get along. But you were his chaotic family. It was still surprising he had all of you, but it was a pleasant surprise. especially sharing a meal with these people that had become so dear to him.

“You made quite a lot of food, even for five people.” He commented, serving himself of quite a few crepes.

Napoleon could tell which ones you made, and which ones were Akihiko, but there were a few he had no idea. He took a bite of one and it had a little extra sugar, but it was still good.

“Jean helped make these.” You told him, giving Jean a fond smile. “We had a few incidents, but also excellent results.”

“That is because you are a wonderful teacher.” Jean smiled at you, before turning to Napoleon. “I am glad I was allowed to help make something that pleased you. I know I am not good with this kind of work, but I have been learning enough the past few days.”

“As long as everything is kept functional and the two of you take responsibility for cleaning the kitchen, I do not mind your willingness to learn.” Akihiko surprisingly conceded.

“You talk as if I’m trying to teach a child.” You complained.

“Speaking of child, luv…” Arthur grinned at you, making you blush and make a sign for him to stay quiet.

“What is happening?” Napoleon turned to you.

You smiled and stood up, lighting the candles in the cake.

“Make your wish, blow out the candles, then pull the sword.” You kissed his cheek.

Napoleon could guess what was coming, but his heart still thumped in his ears as he followed the instructions and cleaned the blade to find it inscribed with “Happy Birthday Papa!”.

Napoleon pulled you onto his lap, kissing you, only somewhat aware of the others’ words of congratulations.

“How long have you known?”

“The day before the first time I woke you up. I take you are happy?”

“You know the answer to that, Nunuche.” He kissed you again. “Is it why you have been so bratty these days?”

“That was why I was awake at the time, but had nothing to do with the joke. Although I guess it’s good training.”

“I swear I will be prepared. You won’t need to continue that.”

“I didn’t mean to.” You laughed, resting your forehead against his.

“I love you.” He whispered. The two of you smiled and finally pulled away, turning back to your boyfriends.

“Oh, don’t mind us. It is your moment and you should enjoy it.” Arthur spoke first.

“No. This moment belongs to all of us, as a family. You have been very supportive on our journey to get here. I love all of you.”

It was his biological child, - all of you had agreed to let him try first, - but it was their child, as much as the others were willing for it to be.

“I guess we have one more reason to celebrate.” Akihiko stood up and started to cut the cake.

A nice breakfast with his family was indeed the best way to celebrate. Next year there would be a new addition to their midst, and he couldn’t wait to see how the years to come would change with each new meal you would have together.

Tag List:

@tele86, @nightghoul381, @natimiles

@bicayaya, @eventinelysplayground

@queengiuliettafirstlady, @kissmetwicekissmedeadly

If you want to be tagged/untagged on future writings, you can reply to this post or send me a message

IkeVamp Masterlist / General Masterlist

[yenn-reads]

Monthly Series Appreciation - December

It's the end of the year, we're getting closer to the holidays and I will have three stories for you today that I connect with December, Christmas and New Year's Eve.

All of them for different reasons, but all of them all worth reading…

I‘m a little early this month, but it’s for a reason. I want you all to get a look at that wonderful advent calendar in time 🥰

Let me tell you what I have for you this month:

Eyes That See

Sy x reader (💕🔥🌩, status: on-going)

Eyes That See is something very special to me. @just-chirpin not only manages to write one of the most wonderful Sy's I have ever seen. She also makes me feel seen. I can relate to so many things and feelings in this story. And having Sy by my side in this one is just so soothing. It's a really long story and it's not finished yet. But I can promise you that you won't be disappointed if you dive into it. The definition of comfort fic ❤️

And don’t forget to take a look at her masterlist, where you can find many asks with additional scenes or alternative scenarios 😍

179 Crescent Street

(College AU; Mike, Charles, Napoleon, Sherlock, August, Sy, Marshall and Geralt x multiple OFC's)(💕🔥🌩, status: on-going)

Everyone must have seen me talking about Crescent Street's inhabitants by now. I found them one year ago and fell in love with all of them. @raccoon-eyed-rebel gifted this universe of stupid dorks living together in one house to us, and I am so incredibly grateful for that. I read every one of these chapters multiple times and I know I will do it again. Maybe it's my favorite thing in the world 🥰

@raccoon-eyed-rebel also made my New Year's Eve feeling last way into the summer and that's a good thing. Those chapter's are so much fun! Get to know all those guys and, even more important, those wonderful women who are lucky enough to get one (or two) of the boys into their beds.

Sapphire Falls Chronicles

Caleb Syverson x OFC, Chris Evans x OFC (🌩💕, status: completed)

@sapphirefallschronicles was such a cute surprise last December. Every day until Christmas we got an update on the lives of Caleb, Chris, Abigail and Livia. And I loved getting new little bits of that wonderful fluffy story. @keanureevesisbae and @diegos-butt really put a smile on my face with this. I totally plan to re-read that lovely fic this December. Join me?

Hope you find something you enjoy here. Please let the creators of these stories know what you think about it. Reblog, comment, shower them with love. They deserve it!

Monthly Series Appreciation -Masterlist

[64-jungle-planks]

Night at the Museum: Redesigning Characters 1/4(?)

Character profile: Frank "Noses" Capone

This character is based off of and takes inspiration from the historical Frank Capone.

Real Name: Salvatore "Frank" Capone

Nickname and Meaning: Noses - He got this nickname from being inquisitive and being unafraid to stick his nose into other people's business, even if it gets him into trouble.

Age: 28 (July 16, 1895)

Time Period: Frank is from America's Prohibition in the 1920s, to be exact, hes from April 1st, 1924 Chicago, just before he and a group of Mafioso's went to the polling station near the Western Electric Hawthorn plant.

Family: James "Jimmy" Vincenzo Capone, Raffaele "Ralph" James Capone, and Alphonse "Al" Gabriel Capone + Three younger brothers and one sister that wasn't brought back.

(Headcanons under the cut)

Based on/taken from History:

involved in the Five Points Gang with mobster John Torrio as a kid

Rumored to be queer because he never had an open interest in women/having sex with women like his brothers

Had a kid??? But then took it away from his fiancé??

Nickname was Noses?

Smartest of the eldest Capones

Killed when 70 plain clothes police officers arrived at W 22nd St & S Cicero Ave, Cicero, IL 60804 on April 1st, 1924. He didn’t have time to pull his gun out and was shot so many times, two other bystanders were killed/injured

described as mild-mannered, intelligent and immaculately-dressed

Thought to have ordered 500 deaths since joining the Chicago outfit (1919-1921 to 1924)

“you never get no talk back from a corpse”

+ Intelligent + Social + Hard-working - Quick to anger - Unstable moods

My own silly headcanons:

Can be level-headed, but usually his anger gets the best of him.

His presence calms Al down a lot. His brother really loves him and missed Frank. Frank reminds Al of simpler times when they’d run errands for their old boss Torrio… now Al’s boss.

Represented by clover/clubs. The club symbol represents the summer season and the earth element. The club suit in cards indicates youth, a phase when a person focuses on education, and recklessness.

Frank has matching pins with Al, Jimmy, and Ralph, each brother taking a playing card suit. The brothers made them together with old scrap metal they found in the Navy yard.

Sticks his nose where it doesn’t belong. He likes putting himself in the middle of gossip circles. When he’s not purposefully antagonizing Napoleon to get a reaction, they get along really well because of this.

Wiggles his nose when he thinks hard

Tallest of the Capone brothers (6’1)

Broken out of the museum in search of the closest liquor store out of pure boredom. They tried to pay with greyscale $50s and promptly got kicked out.

A little bit of a sadist.

Gets very violent when he’s upset and enjoys it. Frank doesn’t usually feel bad about his previous actions

Frank: My furby died in my arms when I was a child Ivan: I’m sorry to hear that..? Frank, grinning and joking slightly: Don’t be. I’ve never felt more like a god.

He’d be on Booktok

Like his brothers, Frank will flirt with anyone. Unlike his brothers, Frank is mostly doing it to tease and have fun.

Sucker for hallmark movies

Jerma vibes

His ears turn red when he lies (credit to @frombottlealleytotheharbor for this one)

Frank’s Tommy is a replica whereas his Smith & Wesson Model 10 is from a photo/cutout. His Tommy doesn’t work at all, but his handgun can- he just doesn’t have any bullets.

The Model 10 is named Peggy and the Tommy is Doll

….. don’t call him Frankie unless your family.

Jimmy Consentini belongs to @all-yn-oween. I had to draw him and Frank together because (I think) they both have two-piece suits.

Plain clothes Napoleon is inspired by this and something I have scheduled.

Al, Ralph, Napoleon

[too-young-to-fall-in-love]

Marionette

director's (editor's?!) cut below the cut :)

and yes I linked the song - it fits Napoleon's character SO WELL I had to share it

I see this edit as a prequel, of sorts, to the 2015 movie. To me, this is what happened to Napoleon before he joined the CIA. However, I do also see the rest of the song as him both stealing art and having an all around good time and as him and Illya as agents in their respective agencies becoming 'marionettes' for Waverly. Lol yes I do have this edit as a prequel to the actual song itself and to canon events. But also if you listen to the song, it definitely feels like there's a cut there! (Or maybe I've just listened to it too many times.

I really liked putting together all the parts that said marionette, especially when Oleg talked about him being their most prolific agent. In the movie, it's said in the Russian instrumental case which means that they see Napoleon as an object. It really cemented the idea of him as a marionette for me. (and also the fact that he really is Sanders' marionette)

Of course, there was also the bit with "they won/ I'm done/ new one/ begun" because that is so totally him joining the CIA because they DID win !!!!! after he had to make a deal with them he really had no choice - he was done with them and with stealing art (poor baby). Also, having his upside down picture for they won was amazing work on my part lol it really seals the deal there.

Yes, I would have to say that he did do his best not getting caught, but alas, how else was he supposed to meet Illya????? (surely it was all a ploy so he could meet his future husband🤞🫡)

I think this song is really interesting and everyone should give it a listen!!

[xxsycamore]

𝙏𝙤 𝙂𝙚𝙩 𝙍𝙞𝙙 𝙤𝙛 𝙖 𝙃𝙚𝙖𝙙𝙖𝙘𝙝𝙚

↬ When period cramps are not enough, so you gotta have a headache too... and Theo's fingers happen to know exactly how to deal with those.

Theodorus van Gogh x reader • rating: G • tags: Menstruation; Period Cramps; headache; Massage; Fluff • wordcount:  800 • masterlist

a/n: Another fic for the series! If you happen to suffer from cramps and you want your favorite ikevamp suitor comforting you in their own unique way, I have for you: Napoleon, Comte, Mozart 💕(all fics in this series share the same opening scene)

It’s another beautiful day at the mansion, and the sun is continuing to shine brightly outside as afternoon settles in. Your list of chores is more than half-way done now, the morning was a productive one and you pat yourself on the back for pushing through at your usual pace, even if your period surprised you early this morning. Sleeves rolled up and armed with a feather duster, you march towards the lounge room to take care of another chore.

 Specks of dust dance in the afternoon sun, windows wide open, as you complete your task little by little. Soon the sections left to dust decrease and you start to tire - a minor pain in your tummy appearing as well, as if to persuade you into taking a short break. You throw a look at the grandfather clock. You’ve been a busy bee; not even the distraction of dusting off some of Comte’s highly intriguing antiques couldn’t get you late on your own schedule.

 You sit down at the spacious couch area, grab a throw pillow to hug, and fall on your side - shoe-covered feet juust hanging off the couch because it won’t be worth the effort of taking them off for just a minute or two of rest.

 Uh-oh! The pain doesn’t go away and only gets worse instead. Suddenly moving as much as a millimeter equals signing a death warrant.

 “Help” You whisper to yourself, clutching onto the throw pillow.

***

The thud of the door opening makes you snap out of it, as you peek behind the pillow to see who walked in.

"You lazing around, Hondje?"

Oh. Great.

"Hmhp."

Theo catches the throw pillow before it can come in contact with his face, thus knocking off his fedora. He takes a better look at you, seeing that you're more than just a little agitated.

"Is something the matter?"

Soon you start to regret getting rid of the fluffy barrier between you and Theo, and with nowhere to hide, you slowly rise to a sitting position.

"I had cramps. But I think they grew into a headache instead, so there's that…"

Theo hums in approval, leaving your side just to quickly grab the book he came here for, seemingly in a hurry but not so much as to leave you in that state. He joins your side in shortly.

"Can I do something for your headache?"

"For starters, take off that ugly hat…"

Theo sighs, complying anyway. "Only if you promise it eases your headache."

"Mhm!" You beam at him, albeit with a certain difficulty through the pain, watching him place the gray striped hat on the table. Then Theo goes behind the couch, for some reason.

"Rest your back and relax."

A little curious, you do as told… Theo's fingers are a little cold when they brush locks of hair behind your ears, the left one and then the right, and you struggle to stay still. Then his fingers return to your temples, and remain there, gently pressing.

Even if you forget to relax properly as per his command, it's inevitable at some point. Up till now, you haven't paid much attention to Theo's hands, much less his fingers - and even though you can't grasp them with your vision now, there's a lot to note by touch alone. The way they massage into the skin of your temples, you're able to feel how calloused they are, a result of days after days of hard work at the gallery… images blur and move as if on a film reel behind your closed eyelids: Theo moving large canvases around, Theo shaking hands with clients, Theo taking a step back and clapping his hands together, ready for the next exhibition…

"You have experience with headaches, huh, Theo…"

Theo snorts a short laugh, thumbs continuing to work the aching nerves at the sides of your forehead.

"You learn to take care of it one way or another." Noting your relaxed brows and overall posture lacking its prior tense, Theo strokes your hair back once and then takes his hands off you. "Here you go."

"Wow, it actually worked, so fast at that! Thank you, Theo."

Theo smirks at you, retrieving his hat and aiming for the door.

"I'm going to town again. Do you need something for your period?"

The question gets you off guard; Theo is very considerable today. Kind, even.

"I don't think so, but thank you either way!" You fluff up the little pillow and return it on its place on the couch. The energy in your movements surprises you, and it seems that the cramps have mellowed down along with the headache. You ought to thank Theo more.

"Wait, Theo? I was actually going to do the groceries next. Mind if I come in town with you?"

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[joachimnapoleon]

Hello there! In the last few weeks your page turned into one of my favourite places on the internet through your knowledge and your posts about Murat and all around about the napoleonic era. I do wonder: Do you know about Murat‘s relationship with the other marshals? I am aware about your really nice post about Murat‘s relationship with Lannes but what about the others? I believe to have read that Murat disliked Davout. At the other hand he seemed to have a positive relationship with Bernadotte and Ney? I could be wrong though. I hope I do not annoy with that question and wish you a beautiful day. c:

Hello! Glad you’ve been enjoying my page, always nice to see more fans of Murat/the Napoleonic era in general popping up here. ^_^

Regarding Murat’s relationships with his fellow marshals, this is one of those subjects in which the amount of information is frustratingly sparse, so most of my views are just from piecing together what fragments I’ve come across here and there. And my guesswork may very well be wrong; my knowledge about the marshals is nowhere near complete. 

Murat & Bernadotte: It’s generally been accepted that they were friends, at least early in their careers, because of their shared revolutionary sympathies and backgrounds. So I was a bit surprised to come across a letter from Murat to Joseph Bonaparte, which I included in my book, in which Murat says he’d resign if Bernadotte were ever given preference over him for a military command, after Bernadotte sided against the Bonapartes on 18 Brumaire. That being said, Murat had invited Bernadotte to his wedding ten months prior to writing that letter (though I’ve always wondered if this was just to nettle Napoleon for having opposed his marriage to Caroline). I really haven’t come across what their relationship was like in later years, but it would be interesting to look into.

Murat & Bessières: These two went off together, as young men from the Lot, to join the Constitutional Guard in 1792. He also attended Murat’s wedding in January 1800. Beyond that, I’ve found depressingly little on their personal relationship. Bessières apparently did become quite close with Eugène de Beauharnais, which does make me wonder if his relationship with Murat might’ve soured at some point, since poor paranoid Murat tended to be one of those “the friend of my enemy is also my enemy” types. Nevertheless, he and Caroline both wrote letters to Bessières’ widow after his death in 1813; sadly I’ve never been able to read them, since they’re in the French Archives. 

Murat & Ney: At least during the 1805 campaign, these two didn’t get along very well. Shortly after Murat’s victory at Wertingen, Napoleon placed the entire right wing of the army (which included the corps of Lannes and Ney) under Murat’s orders, which neither Lannes or Ney were happy about. At one point Ney argued with Murat over his dispositions and whipped out a map to show Murat why he was wrong, to which Murat said “I understand nothing of your plans; it is my way to make mine in the presence of the enemy!” The remark stung Ney enough that he threw it back at Murat prior to the attack at Elchingen, in front of Napoleon, turning to Murat and shouting, “Come, Prince, come with me, and make your plans in the presence of the enemy!” But a lot of the campaign-tension stuff shouldn’t be read too deeply into when it comes to analyzing friendships; Murat and Lannes butted heads on campaign too. War is stressful, and generals/marshals wanted to show each other up and win the most prestige. Ney still took the waters at Barèges with Lannes and Murat in July of 1808, so Lannes and Ney were two of the first people with whom Murat got to share the wonderful news that he was officially a king now. I don’t think Murat and Ney ever became particularly close friends, but they at least seemed to get along, and work together, better during the 1812 campaign. 

Murat & Soult: Apparently disliked each other, but I haven’t found much mentioning them in relation to each other either way. @josefavomjaaga has posted some excerpts from the memoirs of one of Soult’s aides which mention Soult’s displeasure with Murat though.

Murat & Davout: Their mutual dislike really seems to have crystalized during the 1812 campaign, in which they quarreled repeatedly (at one point Murat wanted to fight him, and Belliard held him back as he was about to head for Davout’s tent with a pistol), culminating with Davout accusing Murat of “black ingratitude” towards Napoleon when Murat was ranting about him at one point. I think they were just an oil-and-water pair, totally incompatible with each other personality-wise, and I also think it grated on Davout (and probably many of the other marshals) that Murat had been made a king by Napoleon by virtue of being an imperial brother-in-law, and that they officially had to refer to him as Your Majesty from then on.  

Murat & Berthier: This is an interesting one, and I wish I had more information. Early on, Murat disliked Berthier and seemed to think Berthier had it out for him (and maybe he did, since Murat admitted to having spoken against him; but, again, Murat was kind of a paranoid wreck and thought virtually everybody had it out for him). Between this and the fact that his relationship with Napoleon was on an early down-turn, Murat actually wrote to Barras at the beginning of the Egyptian campaign (I believe from Malta) and asked to be reassigned. At some point though, his relationship with Berthier improved. There are some interesting letters from Berthier to Murat in Murat’s published correspondence which speak to them having a closer relationship. In one, I can’t remember the year off the top of my head but I want to say sometime between 1806-7, Berthier says that he misses the lunches they used to share together. In another from around that time or perhaps 1808, Berthier laments that Murat has been nonresponsive to his previous letters and is clearly wounded by it. In the summer of 1808, Berthier writes Murat another touching letter as Murat is about to become a king, and Berthier regrets that soon he will not be able to write to him with the same effusion. Throughout Murat’s reign, Napoleon would typically leave it to Berthier to kind of “soften the blow,” so to speak, when it came to giving Murat lectures on how he should behave as a king, and to try to soothe his hurt feelings after Napoleon’s typically insensitive reprimands. They both endured Napoleon’s stormy moods during the 1812 campaign and had to figure out how to pick up the pieces together once Napoleon abandoned the army. Berthier initially supported the choice of Murat, due to his rank, to take command rather than Eugène, but soon realized Murat wasn’t capable of handling it, and wrote a ciphered letter to Napoleon saying that he needed to be replaced immediately. I don’t think it was personal; Murat was just terrible under pressure, and wasn’t the right man for that particular job. Anyway, I think anyone would be hard pressed to find two guys who put up with more of Napoleon’s shit over the years than Berthier and Murat, and after 17 or so years of working so closely together and going through so much shared hardship, I can’t help but think they had bonded at least a bit. 

Those are the main ones; as far as the other marshals, I haven’t come across enough info on Murat’s relationships with them to have anything to say. If anybody has any more information to add on anything, feel free. :)

Thanks for the ask!

[cirilla-fiona-riannon]

Francis Drake Main Story

Translations may not always capture the exact nuances or tone of the original text. Expect grammatical errors. I didn't proofread this.

The historical figures who were resurrected as vampires have made contracts with Comte, except for Napoleon.

Napoleon was revived against his will, without a contract, and had become a being with both human and vampire traits.

Comte: "Based on what I've heard, it's possible that Drake arrived at the mansion through the same circumstances as Napoleon did."

Comte: "Although it's still a mystery how historical figures can come back to life as sort of half-vampires, even if they didn't ask for it."

Drake: "Hold on."

Drake raised his hand to stop Comte.

Drake: "I can accept that this is the 19th century, but all this talk about resurrections and vampires is getting crazy. Can you at least tell me more about what's happening?"

Drake, who had been smiling nonchalantly, looked confused.

Napoleon: "I understand how you feel."

Mitsuki: "Me too..."

(When I came to the mansion, I couldn't keep up with all the unrealistic stories either.)

I totally understand how Drake felt.

Feeling sympathetic, I decided to make a suggestion to Comte.

Mitsuki: "Comte, I think we need to explain the situation."

Mitsuki: "And since he doesn't have a place to go, why don't we let him stay at the mansion for a while?"

Drake: "........."

It would have taken at least another month for the door to open again. Even when it did, there was no guarantee it would be stable.

Considering the recent abnormalities in the door, he's lucky he was able to reach the mansion.

And if Drake was supposed to have died in his original time, he may have no place to return to.

Even though it wasn't my problem, just thinking about it made my heart tighten.

Mozart: "Are you crazy? This pirate just attacked us out of nowhere."

Arthur: "I can't say I don't understand the situation. Of course, attacking Mitsuki was unforgivable, but I'm also worried about letting him roam freely."

Dazai: "He's right. It would be a problem if he got a sudden bloodlust and bit someone on the street."

Drake: "Wait, there's a possibility I could turn into some sort of wild animal? Me?"

Sebastian: "On that note, we have both Rouge and Blanc here in the mansion. They should help manage both your meals and impulses."

Napoleon, who had fought with Drake, glanced at him.

Napoleon: "I can't sense any hostile intentions from him anymore. If this guy does something weird, we'll do something about it."

Napoleon: "Right, Jean?"

Jean: "Of course."

Drake: "You guys are reliable yet intimidating."

Napoleon and Jean nodded to each other, and everyone's gaze turned to Comte.

Leonardo: "What's your decision, Comte?"

Comte: "........."

Comte: "Drake, can you promise not to harm anyone?"

Drake: "Yeah, sure. If you're worried, you can keep an eye on me."

Comte nodded in response and untied the rope binding Drake.

Comte: "Then I welcome you. Maybe you came to this mansion guided by something."

Arthur: "A miraculous and fateful encounter, perhaps?"

Drake: "Seems like an overly dramatic fate to me."

Drake: "Anyway, sorry for the terrible first impression. I'll be in your care from now on, so let's all get along."

Drake chuckled, and I couldn't help but relax along with him.

(He doesn't seem like a bad person.)

Mitsuki: "If there's anything I can do to help, please let me know."

Drake: "You're such a kind-hearted person."

And so, a new resident joined our mansion.

That night, after the sudden turn of events, I found myself on my bed, flipping through a book I'd brought from the library.

Mitsuki: "I wonder if it's in here. Ah, here it is."

I flipped through the book titled "Historical Figures Who Moved the World" and found the page about the person I was looking for.

The title was Francis Drake, Hero of the Sea. A page dedicated to Drake.

(Sebastian sometimes scolded me for being clueless, so I should at least learn something about Drake since we're going to live together from now on.)

The book mainly recorded Drake's accomplishments.

("He was the second person in history to circumnavigate the world. Queen Elizabeth awarded him the title of knight for his achievements during the voyage.")

(He discovered the Drake Passage during his voyage. Come to think of it, I've seen it on the map!)

I was surprised to learn that the famous landmark on the map was named after him.

At the same time, it was mentioned that he had committed numerous acts of piracy, such as attacking enemy ships and looting valuables.

(For his homeland, he was a hero, but for someone else, he was an enemy. He lived his life amid conflict.)

I couldn't help but feel the light and shadow of history after learning the background of this historical figure.

As I continued reading, I found a description that caught my attention.

Mitsuki: "After his death due to illness, his body was placed in a lead coffin and submerged in the sea."

Mitsuki: "A sea burial?"

(History says he died and was laid to rest.)

(I wonder if something happened at that time that caused him to come back to life like Napoleon?)

I closed the book I had finished reading and lay down on the sheets.

(I never thought someone would come through that door.)

He didn't seem anxious or troubled, but he's in an unfamiliar place, so he might still face some challenges.

With that in mind, I fell asleep.

The next morning一

Drake: "Morning, little fawn."

Mitsuki: "G-Good morning, Drake."

When I came to the dining room in the morning, Drake greeted me cheerfully.

However, there was something that caught my attention.

(Does he mean me when he says little fawn?)

Mitsuki: "Um, Drake, my name is..."

Drake: "Hm? Isn't it Mitsuki? Am I wrong?"

Mitsuki: "No, you're right!"

However, what caught my attention even more was Napoleon slumped over the table beside me.

Mitsuki: "Good morning, Napoleon. You're up early today."

Napoleon: "I didn't sleep."

Mitsuki: "Huh!?"

Drake: "Haha! Last night was fun."

Apparently, after that incident, Drake received some explanations from Comte.

Comte told him that the door could potentially connect at any point in time as long as it was working normally.

He also told him about the vampire's nature and that this mansion was home to historical figures from various eras and nations.

After that, Napoleon spent the night with Drake, serving as both his guard and companion.

Drake: "Our situations are pretty similar, so I had a lot of questions for him."

Napoleon: "Then we got carried away and ended up talking all night."

Sebastian: "I heard they chatted the whole night. It would've been cool to eavesdrop on their conversation!"

Sebastian, who came out of the kitchen, offered Napoleon a warm cup of tea instead of coffee.

Drake: "Napoleon was not only a military commander, but also the Emperor of France. No wonder he's so strong."

Napoleon: "Stop teasing me."

Drake playfully slapped Napoleon on the shoulder, and Napoleon, with his eyes half-closed, swayed sleepily.

(Napoleon is a heavy sleeper, so he must have been tired.)

(It feels like they've gotten a lot closer.)

Napoleon: "I'm at my limit. I'll leave this guy to you."

Mitsuki: "Okay. Good night, Napoleon."

Napoleon stood up and left the dining room unsteadily.

After seeing Napoleon off, Drake let out a big yawn.

Drake: "Fuwah. I'm getting sleepy too."

Drake: "But before that, I'm hungry."

(This guy is so straightforward when it comes to his desires.)

(But come to think of it, he's also half like Napoleon, so he's probably hungry too.)

Sebastian: "I'll prepare breakfast. Please wait a moment."

Drake: "Sure. So you guys are on cooking duty?"

Mitsuki: "Yup. Is there anything specific you want to eat this morning?"

Drake: "Let's see."

Drake: "Blood."

(What!?)

Drake: "Just kidding. I thought vampires could only drink blood, but I'm glad they can eat regular food too."

(He said it so seriously that it caught me off guard.)

Drake: "I'll leave breakfast up to you."

Mitsuki: "Okay. Then I'll make pancakes!"

Drake: "It's nice to have a meal without any trouble. On the ship, there's always a bunch of hungry men fighting over food."

Drake: "Plus, it's great to have a pretty girl like you cooking for me."

Mitsuki: "You're quite the smooth talker, aren't you?"

As I responded, feeling a bit flustered, Theo suddenly chimed in.

Theo: "Are you also a flirt like Arthur?"

Vincent: "Good morning, Mitsuki, Sebas, and Drake."

Theo and Vincent came to the dining room.

Drake: "Let's see, you guys are the famous Van Gogh brothers, right?"

Drake: "The angel brother and the devil brother, as Arthur said."

Vincent: "I often hear that, but I think Theo is the real angel."

Theo: "B-Broer."

Drake: "Haha! Vincent, you're such a doting older brother."

(He interacts with anyone so casually.)

It might be a little unusual for someone to get so close to others in this mansion.

Theo: "Hey, Drake. Don't call him that so casually."

Drake: "Oh, then Vincent big bro."

Mitsuki ▪︎ Theo: "Vincent big bro!?"

Hearing him say that to Vincent made both Theo and me yell unintentionally.

Vincent: "Big bro. Fufu, it's refreshing to hear that since no one called me that before."

Drake: "It looks like he likes it."

Theo: "Rejected! And stop being so happy about it, broer."

Sebastian: "Drake has incredible social skills."

Mitsuki: "Pffft…ahahaha!"

I couldn't help but burst out laughing as I caught Sebastian secretly taking notes in his diary.

For some reason, after finishing his pancakes, Drake started arranging the chairs in a perfect row.

Drake: "*yawn* I'm really sleepy. I'll just take a quick nap. Nighty night."

Mitsuki: "Hey, Drake! You can't sleep here!"

Drake: "Huh, I can't? Then I'll sleep on the floor."

Mitsuki: "That's not allowed either!"

(We shouldn't encourage more people to sleep anywhere like Leonardo!)

Mitsuki: "Sebastian, is there any unused room available?"

Sebastian: "I'll need to confirm with Comte first, though if ever there is, it might not be clean."

Sebastian: "Let me show you to the guest room for now. Mitsuki, please help me prepare it."

After preparing the guest room for him to lie down, he nodded and smiled, saying it was more than enough.

Mitsuki: "Then, take your time and relax, Drake."

Drake: "Hmm. Thanks for going through the trouble, Sebastian and Mitsuki."

Just as I was about to leave the room after Sebastian一

Mitsuki: "Waah!"

He suddenly grabbed my arm and pulled me back into the room.

He pressed me against the wall, and his face came close to mine, his eyes cold.

Drake: "Hey, Mitsuki. Did you tame everyone in this mansion with your blood?"

Previous Part ╎ Side Story 1 ╎ Next Part

[le-brave-des-braves]

what do you think about shipping you and napoleon especially with the messy breakup and getting back together in 1815

Anonyme

It feels just painful. I already stressed enough that my decision was never about him but about France.

Who would even want to turn it into relationship? Did you ever read what he wrote about me?

Is this the kind of romance people seek these days?

The kind where you follow him to hell and back, just to realise that he would never stop until the whole country is ruined by constant wars and then you tell him to stop and you are finally free, and then he happens again and everyone is welcoming him and you prevent a civil war by accepting your country’s will. And then he treats you like shit and FINALLY HE BLAMES EVERYTHING ON YOU?

Holy fuck, he was there! He was the one who cared more about the Paris politics than the upcoming battle!

It was him who tried to convince us Wellington is not such a big deal.

It was him who didn’t even give me enough men for securing the FUCKING QUATRE-BRAS

Is THAT WHAT PEOPLE WANT FROM A RELATIONSHIP THESE DAYS?!!!

Levavasseur: What were you thinking?! Don’t ask him such questions!

Heymes: Last time you asked about this he kicked you from his carriage in the middle of a field, I remember that…

Levavasseur: He apologised, but man, he is still not quite over it.

Heymes: He has right to be angry. He did nothing wrong.

Levavasseur: except for joining Napoleon again.